Posted Sunday, November 19th, 2006, 10:45:56 PM
Sure.
I hate the TV show Seinfeld. While in Canada, I was "treated" to a abominable afront to pop culture named The Gerry Steinfeld Show, which will henceforth known as "This Dreck". This Dreck was an amateurish dinner theater production masquerading as something that tried not to be total crap and failed miserably. This Dreck was, as you may have guessed, a pardoy/tribute/homage/slap in the face to/of the real sitcom. All of "our favorite" characters were on stage, even that totally lovable one, you know, that one, yeah... Newman's sister! Yeah... Anyway... Plot goes something like this: Gerry's friends have convinced him to open a comedy club. He does. There's a heckler the first night. Oh noes! Tribulation. Meanwhile, George has forgotten his parents' 40th anniversary and everyone else has forgotten Elaine's birthday (I think these characters had also had creatively altered names a la Jerry -> Gerry but I'll be damned if I can remember or care). More tribulation. Kramer has a wacky scheme to get some entertainment, which ends up being Newman's sister (who?). George likes Newman's sister, but this potential hook-up is thwarted by the fact that George's parents think that he and Gerry are gay! Lame tribulations. It ends when Gerry and Elaine decide to get married and everything else, of course, ends happily ever after, and I am left regurgitating my third-rate meal in the corner.
Did I mention that there were musical numbers? I didn't? Well, there were. And not original musical numbers with sharp wit, oh no! Hackneyed, awful rendidtions of "hits" from the 70s, 80s and 90s. Because nothing says Seinfeld like Jerry breaking into "Sunglasses At Night" in the middle of a conversation. The only passable explanation I have of this entire debacle is that Canadians actually find stuff like this amusing, and it was simply lost on my feeble American brain.
As a side note, during the act breaks, the actors would walk around to the tables in the audience to interact. Wouldn't you know that the Gerry character came up to ours! Well, he did, and here was our awkward conversation:
Gerry: You guys know any jokes?
Us: (blank stares)
Gerry: That was awful.
Me: (shrugs)
In that moment, I have never seen someone who hated their life so much and wish they could end it all right then and there. The feeling was mutual. The point here is that I hate the real Seinfeld for ever being a show, because it spawned The Dreck.
I hate Ted Leo, and to a lesser extent, The Pharmacists too. This weekend I sat down to create an Indie Rock Primer CD for a friend. I thought a cool genre-bridging inclusion would be Ted Leo's cover of "Since U Been Gone/Maps". After listening to Ted's version, I proceded to listen to the original Kelly Clarkson version. I didn't hate it. I should have hated it on principle, but I couldn't and I still can't. It's now stuck in my head. It's not that it's even good, but it's not bad either. It's too damn catchy. This is bad. Very bad. It won't leave. It's bouncing around in there... "since u been gone i can breathe for the first time something something YEAH YEAH!!" ARGH!!! Damn you Ted Leo!!!! Damn you straight to hell!
I hate the Nintendo Wii. For months I was so pumped about getting a Wii. It was going to be fucking awesome! I was going to be out there on release night and be one of the first peeps to bring one home. Well, that was before the PS3 came out and people caught shot, robbed, pepper sprayed, knocked on the head and generally jerked around by the corporate Man. I still thought they were idots for standing/camping in line for days just so they could resell them (I'm convinced that 80%+ of these things went on eBay for other morons to buy). On Saturday night, at around 10:30 PM, I realized I couldn't hang with these guys. I'm not a "stand in line" for something kind of guy, especially when I don't know if there a payoff. [In the spirit of full disclosure, here are things I've stood in line for more than 30 minutes in my life: Death Cab for Cutie tickets (which were not guaranteed), and Pearl Jam tickets (which were guaranteed, but seat assignments were up for grabs)] So, here I am at home on a Sunday night, Wii-less (hee hee!). But that's OK. I'm a patient guy. I'll have one soon enough. But, still, I hate Nintendo for making me all excited for months just to crush me in the end. Jerks.
Mon voyage impressionnant à Amérique Junior. (Part Un)
Posted Sunday, November 5th, 2006, 08:47:08 AM
I'm going to go against my usual moral stance of "anti-blog" and write something here which closely resembles, well, a blog entry. I figure my first trip onto international soil is worth it.
Current mood: This isn't heaven. This sucks!
OK. That was just a lame attempt to insert a Strange Brew quote. However, truth be told, it is 7 AM here and it is still pitch black outside. And, according to the internets, the sun won't be coming up for another hour. That's just perfect. Anyway, our trip up to this point has been rather uneventful, but allow me to share some personal highlights.
1. The inflight magazine has Maggie Gyllenhaal on the cover. +1 American Airlines! At this point you are likely asking yourself, "This is his number one highlight on this trip?? A B-list celebrity on a airplane magazine cover?" Well, you know what? Shut up, that's what!
2. Seattle-Tacoma airport has more "authentic" seafood restaurants in the terminal than all of central Illinois combined. I know this makes perfect sense, since Seattle is close to an ocean and all. But, just once I want to see "Salmon and Chips" on a menu in Illinois. Of course, I probably wouldn't order it then, nor did I yesterday because...
3. Food you can buy in an airport, frankly, is a little scary. I don't know what it was, but as I looked at the four restaurants offering tasty treats from the sea, I couldn't help but feel that a death sentence by botulism (or other awful condition you get from seafood) would come with any meal. This is ridiculous, of course, but a part of my being is telling me that I should not be buying my fish tacos a mere 500 feet from where they're refueling a 757.
4. I sat next to a Canadian named Gord on our flight to Edmonton. It was awesome. Imagine William H. Macy's character from Fargo saying, "I'll take a Coke". That was Gord. It was awesome. There were some other Canadians on the plane too (as one would expect). They talked like Canadians. That was ALL KINDS of awesome.
5. It's now 7:20, and the sky has turned from black to really dark purple. Maybe by 11:30 there will be actual rays of sun.
6. Themed hotels are weird. My room is quite normal. Well, normal on the inside. On the outside of my door I have a frightful painting of a demented looking horse. The are faux logs on the wall in the hallway. Yes, that's right, I find myself on the Western floor. Yee-haw!
7. I checked another item off my list of Things I Have to Do Before I Die last night. I watched Hockey Night on CBC. It was great.
8. Back to the hotel, they weren't kidding about being attached to the mall. In fact the lobby of the hotel is pretty much like any other storefront of the mall. It's disorienting. Do you what else is disorienting? Walking out of the hotel and coming face-to-face with a giant pirate ship. To quote a Chicagoian who played the brother of a character played by a Canadian, "This mall has everything!"
9. Our gift for being presenters at this conference was a bottle of maple syrup in a maple-leaf shaped glass container. I honestly thought they were handing me a bottle of booze at the registration table at first.
10. I guess there's nothing else much to report for now. I'll be chasing wild bison around a national park later today. There's also a good chance I'll be mauled by an elk. That'll be pretty cool.
What are your opinions on some of the current issues facing the world?
Posted Monday, September 11th, 2006, 12:05:12 AM
What a timely and excellent question! It just so happens that I've spent today pondering three issues that hold weighty significance for society. Now I can expound my ideas to you instead of Cowboy Sal, who rarely offers any valid counterpoints to my arguments.
Query: How will Tuesday's re-re-release of the original three Star Wars films affect the way motion pictures are marketed to fans?
Response: I believe these releases are having multiple effects on the consumer landscape. Firstly, they're giving thousands and thousands of nerds something to talk about besides MMORPGs. Well, actually, the nerds are still talking about MMORPGs, but now they are talking about these new DVDs while playing MMORPGs, making for a weird, extra-geeky digital stew. Listen up, nerds! I'm finding it very difficult to care about your thoughts on this topic! I don't care that you have every single Star Wars movie ever made in every single format that was ever commercially sold. But you certainly won't be buying THESE because George Lucus is nothing but a money grubbing nerf herder (awesome band, by the way), right? This brings me to my second point.
Are there issues of ethics at play here? Is a studio justified in releasing a DVD only to re-release it with "bonus features" and "special cardboard packaging" months later, to the dismay of consumers who purchased the original? The answer is of course they are. Are you new to capitalism? People who wish to make money will often take steps that we see as underhanded! Shocking, no? Here's a solution for everyone who is up in arms about these Star Wars movies. Don't buy them. You don't need to spew virtrol all over the internet.
In summary, I won't be buying these DVDs. It's not because I hate George Lucas, not because I defend the ideal the Han did, and will always, shoot first, but because I own the totally sweet VHS set from 1995 (they're digitally remasted in THX for superior sound and picture quality). Suck it, nerds!
Query: Paris Hilton was recently arrested for drunk driving and we're constantly bombarded with all kinds of unseemly celebrity gossip. Has stardom become nothing but a farce filled with ugly stereotypes?
Response: Yep! I've long questioned why there is such a sick fascination with celebrities. I mean, seriously. There are countless hours of television devoted wholly to celebrity gossip. Apparently, we need to know when Hollywood couples hook up and/or break-up, when they're careless with their babies, when they drink too much, or when they have a contract dispute (OMG! They may not make Duece Bigalow 3!!). Go to hell Pat O'Brien!! You too, uh, John Tesh!!
Unfortunately, this attraction to the things famous people do wrong overshadows anything good they do. Case in point, do remember your favorite sports hero who had those good stats? Well, my friend, IT'S ALL A LIE BECAUSE THEY TOOK STEROIDS! That's right, you can't be good at sports because it implies you take steroids. What's that? You're favorite celebrity is in Africa raising awareness of poverty? THAT ATTENTION WHORE!! She must have a new movie coming up and needed a little extra limelight! Ooh, a great band is re-releasing a long out-of-print album! THEY MUST BE SELLOUTS!! Rather sickening, isn't it? But, as my first through 12th grade teachers said, "a few bad apples spoil it for the bunch". Damn celebrities.
Query: Gas prices! What's the deal?
Response: I swear, if I see that stupid LOL, OMG, WTF gas prices picture on the internet again, I'll lose it. It was only marginally creative when gas was $1.89/gallon. Anyway, I'm no economist, so I don't really fell qualified to answer. I just wanted to rally against that stupid picture as a sign of protest. Go take a walk, everyone. Seriously.
What's the deal with Authentication Failed's Cowboy Sal?
Posted Wednesday, April 12th, 2006, 09:40:58 PM
It may shock you to find out that Cowboy Sal has never been on a cattle drive, never branded a calf, and never been in a totally awesome saloon fight. That's because Cowboy Sal is not a real cowboy! He's a lawn ornament. My history with Sal goes back several years. You see, one day Sal mystically appeared on my front porch! How did he get there? None of my roommates knew, my landlord didn't know, and I sure as heck didn't know. So, in an act of stupefied compassion, we put up the ol' cowpoke in our living room. There he stood guard for many months, until that fateful day when we housemates had to go our seperate ways. Like the end of any break-up, the hardest part is dividing up your stuff (that's not really true, the hardest part is squeezing them for the last bit of money they owe you (but, I digress)). One roommate swore he was going to take Sal with him. I reluctantly agreed to the transaction. But, lo and behold, Sal was still standing guard after he left! The last ride Sal has taken was in my car to the new lodgehouse. I have to keep him in my room because he apparently freaks the hell out of everyone else. The end.
How do I decipher what Nathan is saying on AIM?
Posted Monday, March 20th, 2006, 10:01:11 PM
I like AIM. I certainly like talking on AIM more than I like talking on the phone. But, being the man of few words that I am, I find it's often dificult to emote subtlely on the internet. Without the benefits of seeing my half-squinty eyes or eye roll, many expressions I use on AIM make me come off as uninterested, which is hardly ever the case.
So, I'm giving you an insider's guide to understand Nathan's AIM-speak. Ten of my most common monosyballic phrases can be found below, along with an explanation of how to interpret them.
ah - "Ah" is most commonly used after you give an explanation of something. It's short for "Ah, I see/understand what you are saying".
oh - While it seems that it would be synonymous to "ah", "oh" conveys a much different idea. "Oh" tends to be a term of dejection and usually follows getting debunked, rebuffed or the delivery of bad news. Example:
me: That
leftover chinese food was sure tasty.
you: Yuck,
that stuff was like 3 weeks old, d00d!
me: oh
I prefer using "oh" in these cases instead of the far less tactful, "STFU!!" or "u r a dick".
hm - A very useful word that indicates suspicion or doubt. The more m's that are tacked on, the more dubious I am of your statement.
er - "Er" is like "hm" for stupid stuff I say or type. Also excellent for making a quick correction to embarrsing typos.
erm - Much like "ah" and "oh", "erm" is similar in style but very different than "er". "Erm" will usually indicate that I have no quick response to your question. Typically, you'll get an "erm" if you ask me something suddenly such as, "Where do you want to go to lunch?" or "Is something on fire?"
heh - I never, repeat NEVER, use "LOL" on AIM. EVER. I don't know what my aversion is to those damn letters. Instead, I use "heh" which is more akin to a chuckle. Using a pair of them indicates that I have said something which has amused me. I'm not advserse to using HA! (best read in an ALF voice) if something is funny.
i/wh/eee! - Excitement! (or urgency)
uh huh - My most deeply sarcastic response to whatever you just said. I'll also use this when I have absoluetly no response to something completely baffling you just said. The two uses are pronounced differently. Examples:
you: I once
wrestled an alligator!
me: uh huh
(very short pronunciations indicate sarcastic "agreement" (meaning disagreement))
you: Did you
know that Radiohead made guest appearances in Star Wars?
me: uh huh
(very long pronunciations indicate that I have no idea what the hell you're talking about)
huh - It's shorter than typing "What the fuck does that mean?"
... - And we conclude with the mighty ellipsis (a.k.a. the trailing-off thought). Let's start with an example:
you: Are we
going to lunch?
me: yes
This is very straightforward. But, now let's look at the same example with an ellipsis:
you: Are we
going to lunch?
me: yes...
If you were verbalizing this, you would draw out the "es" with a questioning tone. "Yes..." translates most commonly as, "Yes, but why are you asking me because I thought that you already knew that the answer was yes (or no, or whatever). The questioning tone translates across most uses of the ellipsis.
Where Has Nathan Been?
Posted Sunday, February 12th, 2006, 10:15:14 PM
Turns out I haven't been many places. In fact, I hadn't been more than 100 miles west of the Mississippi River until I flew to California last fall. My only other plane trip was to Atlanta in 1999. Otherwise, most of my road trips have been on charter buses (Philadelphia, New Orleans, Orlando, Minneapolis).
What Does Nathan Wear?
Posted Thursday, February 2nd, 2006, 10:55:32 PM
Right now I'm wearing my navy blue SECURITY shirt (which makes me feel tough even though it has computer security tips on the back) and jeans. Make no mistake, I like blue shirts. I have a lot of blue shirts. They fit in well with my assortment of other darkly colored, monochromatic shirts. Take a look at this diagram to get an idea of what a closet looks like when you
1. Like looking as nondescript as possible
2. Hate shopping for clothes
3. Don't care.
