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Introduction
1983 was a banner year in the relationship between dental hygiene and awesome promotional materials. Youngsters were assailled by TV commercials for Crest toothpaste featuring the heinous Cavity Creeps. If you remember, they did a disservice to us all by putting holes in our teeth. So, if you pledged allegiance to the Crest Force and forsook the Colgate Cavity Patrol, mom succumbed to buying tubes of Crest gel. Unfortunately for mom, she quickly learned that toothpaste really did nothing to cure your boredom with toothbrushing. The only was to really make the experience better was to use a toothbrush featuring an officially licensed character.
Thankfully, Oral-B stepped up to the challenge by teaming with LucasArts to produce and market Star Wars: Return of the the Jedi toothbrushes. Kids could have the tartar fighting power of Han Solo right in their hands! Your bedtime was now exactly as exciting as watching Emperor Palpatine zap Luke with a dose of Force lightning . Oral-B also distributed a companion Star Wars Dental Health Adventure Book through dentists across the nation. It's chock full of games, fun facts about teeth and is only tainted by the shameful absense of Boba Fett.
Pages 1 + 2
Since when has Darth Vader's menacing black suit had pinstripes? Agents of destruction don't wear pinstripes unless they're in the mob. On the facing page, we see one of the most abstract drawings of the Death Star ever recorded in ink. It looks like it has eyelashes. If the ADA wants to get their point across, that Death Star should
be ruthlessly vaporizing that planet of tooth demons. Instead, it looks like a flying black eyed pea.
The Front Cover
I'm not sure how anyone survived the 80s. Those toothbrushes have no cushy hand grip or flexy head, don't appear to vibrate, and certainly don't have multi-height bristles to help provide an exceptional clean. It's just a stick of plastic with shorter, more flexible sticks of plastic attached. How could people manage to keep their teeth intact using such primitive technologies?
Pages 3 + 4
C3PO is the only character who gets any lines in this whole production. I hope Anthony Daniels got a few cents out of this project. I bet you didn't know that awful double-ended metal hook was called an explorer either. "Helps your dentist check your teeth," is a lie. It's more like, "Helps your dentist dig realllly deep between your teeth and will be used to scrape gunk off your enamel. You know the feeling you get when your fork scrapes your teeth? Yeah, it feels like that, only with more spite behind it."
Pages 5 + 6
Yay! Coloring page! Han and Leia seem to be gently caressing some tooth demons with some blaster fire. Meanwhile, Luke has unsheathed his mighty sword and is ready to do battle. You say a lightsaber would be more effective? Shows how much you know about the Land of the Plaque Fighters!
Pages 7 + 8
I'm not sure why they classify R2D2 as a "creature", but that's easily overlooked when you see every kids' favorite Kitonak Droopy McCool has made a cameo. That's right, DROOPY McCOOL!
It's also at this point that you realize that there are no answer keys to the puzzles. C _ _ _ _ _ has vitamins to keep your teeth healthy. I say it's carmel. Who's going to tell me I'm wrong? Some dentist? Not likely!
Also, did we ever see Chewbacca smile in the movies? Give that Wookie an enormous carrot and he's beaming like sunshine!
Pages 9 + 10
Grinning Chewbacca is back and now he and Han must navigate their way to good dental health, which happens to be in a cave, for some reason. We conclude the tale with step-by-step instructions on how to brush and floss. I think Lando Calrissian should be teaching us how to do this. Then it would be cool.
The Back Cover
We finally get to see the assortment of Jedi toothbruses that are available at our local grocery or pharmacy. They're all here! Luke, Leia, Han and Chewie, Darth Vader, C3PO and R2D2 and, of course, the Ewoks (collect them all!). The fine print on the boxes says "Recommended by more dentists than any other toothbrush." I bet those are the same dentists who are recommending these to a whole new generation of kids.
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